VodkaMusings

Why must it be so difficult to exist from moment to moment?  Why must it be so hard to just be.  Be comfortable and calm, be confident and sure.  Without love it’s all such an act, such a play of indifference.  

I’m currently surrounded by friends and family…and yet, am still unloved.  Melodramatic? maybe.  But true.  I’m certain they love me in their way…but not the love as I feel it should be.  The kind that makes you warm and comfortable.  The kind that makes you feel ok.  

I make people uncomfortable.  My only friend today told me she was insecure around me because I was so much more sophisticated than she is.  I want to scream out that I’m not….I’m on the brink of tears half the time, and when I’m not its only because I’m faking it.  I dont know how to be loved.  And when I try to love others its overwhelming to them.  Too much.  They dont see its just that I care, or feel a connection.

Connections are so rare for me that when I feel them I want to hang on and fumble my way through nurturing them.  I dont know what I’m doing here.