VodkaMusings

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if other people lives are as weird as mine.

My childhood was surrounded with secrets.  Everything was kept a secret, never to be talked about even among the people that knew.  I’ve made a real effort to rid myself of secrets in my adult life and simply be upfront about the fact that I wont have them in my life.  So maybe its just one of those funny ‘universe’ things, but I seem to always be in a situation that requires some level of secrecy.

I go back and forth day to day between thinking its my life as an adult and I can live it the way I want, or debating whether or not secrets are emotional clutter and I’m just a pack rat inside.

I keep hoping that its one of those character traits that I’ll mature out of.  One of those things that will ease with time.

It’s no secret that I dont do well with relationships…husbands, boyfriends, friends, the checkout girl.  One of the ways I tend to screw up dating relatioships is that all of a sudden I totally lose interest.  It’s happened again.  This time with the guy I’ve posted about recently.

I liked him, we talked well, we had fun, the sex was great.  But then it happened.  It’s been days and I still cant figure out what precisely it was.  We had been hanging out for a couple of hours.  Had a great time, fun conversation, hot sex.  Then we were laying on the bed both looking up at the ceiling laughing and joking and I rolled onto my side to look at him and in mid sentence realized I wasnt into him anymore.  Just like that.  No warning, no deal breakers, not even a hint.  Just done.

I kind of hope that next time I see him he will charm me and it will have just been a weird thing and all will go back to normal, but since this has happened before I’m thinking it’s probably done.

Oh well….next.

I thrive on being spontaneous.  Much more than the average person, that I’m aware of anyway.  I dont do well with plans, because then I have too much time to think about it and over analyze it and generally back out.  I’ve actually lost many friends over this.

Today was a totally spontaneous day from the word go.  The alarm clock went off telling me it was time for a run.  I turned it off, completely.  Slept in to an embarrassing time.  Then decided to go hiking….no plan, no map, no nothing.  Which is normally totally against my very few rules which involve hiking.  I’ve read too many serial killer books to go hiking without a plan and a map at a minimum.  When I got home, I still wasnt good so I decided to go see a movie.  I rushed around to get ready for the movie and got there just as it started.  I hate missing the trailers btw.

Then I STILL didnt want to go home.  So I decide to go get a beer.  Thing is, in the town I’m in you dont just go walking into a bar alone.  So I decided I would go to a restaurant, sit at the bar, have a couple of beers and go home.  As luck would have it one of my FWB’s car was in the parking lot of where I was initially going to go.  So I went next door and texted him….luck shined on me and he was doing the same thing I was.  So we met at the bar, then went to see a movie and ended up going back to his apartment.  It both is and isnt as torrid as it seems.  I really enjoy hanging out with him, and I feel pretty confident he really enjoys hanging out with me.  And somehow the sexy times are always  worked into the right moment.

I’ve had relationships like this where one person would always screw up the timing in the evening of when things would happen….too early, too late, too FAST, whatever…but nearly always awkward.  With him, its not awkward.  Theres real conversations…philosophical ones, funny ones, debates about which office is better (UK or US)….serious stuff!  And then there is the sweet release.  I cant think of an awkward moment the entire time I’ve known him.

It’s nice.  It’s comfortable.  It may be the absolute polar opposite of what every friend says I need at this point in my life…..but it sure is nice.

Why must it be so difficult to exist from moment to moment?  Why must it be so hard to just be.  Be comfortable and calm, be confident and sure.  Without love it’s all such an act, such a play of indifference.  

I’m currently surrounded by friends and family…and yet, am still unloved.  Melodramatic? maybe.  But true.  I’m certain they love me in their way…but not the love as I feel it should be.  The kind that makes you warm and comfortable.  The kind that makes you feel ok.  

I make people uncomfortable.  My only friend today told me she was insecure around me because I was so much more sophisticated than she is.  I want to scream out that I’m not….I’m on the brink of tears half the time, and when I’m not its only because I’m faking it.  I dont know how to be loved.  And when I try to love others its overwhelming to them.  Too much.  They dont see its just that I care, or feel a connection.

Connections are so rare for me that when I feel them I want to hang on and fumble my way through nurturing them.  I dont know what I’m doing here.

I’ve known him for 2 weeks and he’s been all I can think about.  Our paths crossed because he was working on putting together a talent show for a celebration in the small town I’d just returned to.  We talked on the phone a couple of times and I could tell he was funny and energetic.  We planned to meet over lunch and he was going to introduce me to some people in town to talk about the new community focused website I’d built.  

When he stepped around the corner, dirty from working outside all day, speckled with paint and all I could see was his blue eyes looking right through me.  Before our hands touched to shake I knew I was in trouble.  We had the lunch, then a work session.  I maintained being friendly, as he was the only person in the entire building I knew, but I had to avoid eye contact at times.  He never did or said anything sexual.  It was something I saw above all that.  It kept making me fear that I would be “that guy” in the movie in the lunchroom gaping wide eyed with mouth open at the beautiful girl that by some struck of dumb luck happen to sit across from him.  I was scared I would just stare and miss what was being said.

It wasnt all a sexual connection, I felt…him.  I’ve always been very good at reading people and am historically the ‘go to’ person for advice.  But I’ve never felt someone elses heart.  There was a weight there that didnt match his eyes or his voice.  A brokenness that had endured extraordinary effort to cover up.

He admitted to me today that he has realized there is no one out there for him to love.  It broke my heart.  Not just because I would love to be loved by a man like him.  But more importantly because I have absolutely held the same unwavering belief about myself for a very long number of years.  Even to the extreme of religion….I do not believe I can be saved, and do not believe I can be loved.  At 2 am Saturday morning it is a freeing belief filled with posturing and gluttony of all shapes and sizes.  But at 11 pm on a Monday night it can be paralyzing.  Even Maslow places Love only above Food and Safety in the basic human needs.  That must mean something.

Am I doing it SO terribly wrong that all I can achieve is basic food and safety in this life of mine?

I dont think I’ve ever consciously wanted to be loved specifically.  It was never present at home but I did get to visit it when I went to other peoples houses.  It just seemed stifling.  All the phone calls, and the meals, and kids birthday parties.  I still dont want all of those things.  But I do want someone to love.  I’ve realized my heart is actually beating and that I do actually care.  I care so much it hurts sometimes about things that have absolutely no relevance to me whatsoever.  And right now I care about someone that doesnt care back.

I wish I could be saved.  I wish those Monday nights didnt come.